Hey there all you sportsball fans! It’s the biggest night of the year! Tonight at something-o-clock, a bunch of really fit dudes are going to throw a possibly-spherical ball around a court/field and try to score points in front of millions! Who is playing? WE DON’T KNOW! Why is this a big deal? WE DON’T CARE! Will we still watch?
It’s easy to get sucked in to the Superbowl excitement. Possibly you are obligated to attend some sort of party. (Hey, at least there will be food!) Maybe your family is having other people over to watch the game. (Probably also food!) Perhaps you and the people or pets at your house decided to watch just for funsies. But, let’s be honest, we’re book people. This is the ONLY night of the year that we watch sportsball probably. How on earth are we supposed to enjoy it?
Luckily for you, I was quite the sportsball fan at a different period in my life! So I am here to be your guide! I have all the tips and tricks for enjoying the big game, even if you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what is going on!
1. Have food and drink.
Really the entire purpose of this event is to eat something really bad for you. If you can get themed food to help you get in the mood, great! If not, order your pizza AT LEAST two hours before you want it, because they are going to be swamped.
2. Enjoy with company.
If you’re not going to a party or having people over, it is not too late to change those plans! Invite over a friend who is similarly disinterested in sports, and you can make fun of the whole event together.
3. Bring a book.
Take it from me. The game is … not that exciting. I read once that a 1-hour game (which takes at least 3 hours to watch on TV) has approximately six minutes of actual play time. You can read during the boring parts, and look up whenever the people on the screen start cheering REALLY loud to catch the re-play. You’ll also want to put your book down during the commercials. While they aren’t up to the late-90s standards, they’re worth a few laughs.
4. Make up stories about the players.
Maybe #43 is having a secret fling with his neighbor. #5 and #21 look like they hate each other’s guts. #74 has a tragic backstory, maybe his whole family perished in a tragic canoeing accident. Feel free to give them your own names, as well. I usually name them based on their hair.
5. Reward yourself for being normal.
You socialized! You did something your family wanted! Tomorrow at work, you’ll be able to participate in the conversation! Good for you! Do you know what you deserve? A new book.
Enjoy the game. Or not. I won’t judge.